A good day at work produces new character

When Saturday came! (sans Sean Bean)

Hello anyone who reads this blog (i know some people do and god bless you for it)

Sorry that i have not been putting anything funny on here for a while but my computer decided that Machine heaven was a better place to be, so at the moment I'm raging against the machine(s).

These last few weeks have been fruitful, as I've tried to keep myself busy by going to watch Hot Fuzz which rocked, playing football, darts and watching/reading things I've had on my shelves for a while. This weekend was particularly fun as i played football and got absolutely filthy and impressed my peers with my stallion like performance and stylish haircut. I carried on the equestrian theme by going home and consuming many sugar cubes for energy!

Expecting Saturday to be a quiet one (which in a way i was hoping for) i got a text message from my bud C-Bizzle asking if i would like to frequent our usual haunts, at first i was reluctant and i batted him off but hes a persistent bleeder and he highlighted the key line in the contract that he had forced me to sign years previous: "You said you would always say yes if i asked you to come out". Being a honest man, stout of heart and true to my word i decided that i would make that interdimensional journey to the land of Quarry Bank, some say it lays somewhere in between two warring dimensions that fight for control of the middle aged folk from the area (as any seasoned traveller will know, you will only find young chavs or old people inhabiting the Great QB high street).
So anyway, back to the story. I arrived at Cassa-de-Bate to be greeted by Chris, Kylie, Nick and Truman. We have formed the Core of many an operation together so i knew with Chris' Sharp mind, Kylies extensive knowledge of charmcraft, Nick's knowledge of Ancient law and Rituals, Truman's ability to blend into crowds and my commanding leadership skills (The Call me 'The Iron Fist' but some say it for other reasons) we would be able to accomplish anything.

The night started in the Royal London, as oft times before, where we met up with Chris' friend Lindsay and David Jay. To more excellent additions that would surely make the night a success.
The usual banter was exchanged and Chris told me about some of the scripts he has been working on whilst being a lazy jobless bum and Truman and Nick waxed lyrical about randomness. Next we moved to The Little Civic for Muchos Double Vodka and Cokes which has become the official Team Splendid Tipple. Again words were exchanged but none were harmed in the making of these conversations and Chris pointed out that all words used were free range and were allowed to roam free and form sentences of their own.

Next we moved to Blast Off, where a big banner outside stated that it would be held in the Wulfrun hall as the Kaiser Chiefs where playing. The Music was disappointing and it was packed with many Beautiful babies and a lot of Apeish males.

We Left Blast Off and headed back to Chris' pad, where me and Chris ended up setting the world to rights, we hadn't done it for a while and i really enjoyed it.

I ended up on Bizzle's floor at about 4:45 ish and had me a good nights kip.

That was the end of the night and a good time was had by all.

Roll on Next Time.

Eras Come and Eras Go

So, i don't usually make posts like this as I've told Chris many a time that I'm not interesting enough to carry of a message of with meaning.

But this is just a little Ode to my Friend, Mentor and God Christopher D Bate.

I remember the first time i met this character, our eyes met over a desktop PC, as usual whenever i meet a new person i have a habit of saying something so stupid that they either think I'm weird in a good way, or they think I'm an absolute idiot. In this instance the words "Aren't You that guy from Gimmie, Gimmie, Gimmie" slipped out and the rest is history.
Chris later confessed to me that when he first saw me he thought that i was about 35 years old with at least 2 kids, i laughed as i was about 20 and the only kids i new where buried under my patio. Though for some strange reason we seemed to hit it off as a comedy double act, often being the ones who challenged others like saying to some people that it just wasn't possible to drive around the whole world in a car. Chris was going through some rough times which don't really need to be discussed here but this rounded off a Mad, Quirky, Genius who I'm not ashamed to admit i love like a brother.
Shortly after this period we both went through some changes and became Version 2's. This marked a new era for us both and one I've tried to maintain until this day, I'm even thinking about upgrading to v.3 but that is still in debate.
After becoming pretty good friends, Chris started inviting me along for his interesting adventures, scared at first i found excuses to parry these invites but after a while i decided to go along and see just how fun it really was and I'm so glad that i did as i credit Chris with making more of a worldly man. We have had some excellent adventures like Bill and Ted, like my first festival when we went to V, to the night we stood next to Chali 2na at a Jurassic 5 gig, all these memories make me glad that i can call Chris a friend.
Obviously bringing it to the present day, Chris has met a brilliant young lass called Kylie and I'm chuffed to bits that they found each other as i see them going places together and i don't mean Victorian Forts of Follies.
Now Chris is on his merry way from The hell hole we work in, I'm sad that we wont be able to throw wet paper at each other or go for our daily Toilet Meetings but yet i am glad that this Mighty Hawk has been freed to attack The Field Mice of Life.

Go forth Mighty Bird and Feast upon Life, because you are the most spectacular being in existence and no one will ever clip your wing.

An Ode to my Friend, Christopher "C-Bizzle" Bate

p.s I used 2 boxes of Cleanex to write this, though i didn't cry, i have a copy of Razzle sitting next to me.

8th February: The Splendid Ones Descend upon Wolverhampton

On the 8th of February at 7:15, a strange event was to take place, armed with this knowledge, Team Splendid was sent along to investigate this disturbance in the force. It was told that come this date and time, many skilled Arrow throwers would come from miles around to pit their skills against one another in a slog out fight to the death (first to 8).

The team assembled to document this event was as follows:

Gareth "G-Money" Moran: Skilled with an arrow himself, his interest in this happening was to improve his own dart skill.

Dominic "White Kanye West" Tibbetts: An expert in the art of infiltrating Gay clubs with his pretty boy looks and his Queer Eye for the Straight Guy dress sense. No one can say no to this man.

Sam "Porksmen" Portman: With a fro that makes even the most Fly Homeboy jealous, this man is a danger to all and even himself, has been known to strike his own allies with his razor sharp chops. He also has a shit Helmet Strap Beard.

"Phabulous" Phill Spicer: Phill possesses one of the 7 wonders of the natural world, a beard with so many colours its as if it were woven as part of a crazy facial tapestry.

Stuey Jones "Me, Lord": This man sups at the well of immensity, no more needs saying.

and last but not least

Blair "The Copperbeard" Frame: After an explosion at a hardware store, Blair's life would never be the same again, the accident left him with a severe facial disfigurement which was a beard of copper wires.

Congregating in the Royal London we played many a game of pool and drank and cheered like a group of Neanderthals. Sam Portman proved to be a worthy pool player hustling me out of a victory.

Next we traveled to a local sandwich establishment and replenished out energy by shoving 6 inches of bun into our mouths, again Portman showed us the training given to him by his lovely mother as he bested us all and managed to take 12 inches into his gaping hole.

With Stomachs filled and hearts burning with anticipated, we strolled into the Civic hall to watch a terrific display of Top Arrows. Open entering i was told by a manc scally wag that Slipknot ruled, after thanking the man for the advice i headed off to find my seat. Me and Phill sat above where the Dartsmen entered the heated arena, so we decided to offer encouragement by shouting rude things at them, and Phill spitting and dribbling like a mad man. About half way through the battle we heard of a skirmish within our own ranks, Gaz and Portman had a small falling out which was quickly resolved and all was well.

After this prestigious event had finished we found ourselves coming under heavy snowball fire from hostile locals, too which we responded with devastating force, Dom proving particularly accurate with a ball of frozen water managed to hit Portman on the head then take out an innocent by stander. His just deserts were given as a random man ran into the melee and smashed a snowball in his face and we all chortled heartily (I laughed like a girl, honestly it was embarrassing).

We found ourselves back in the Royal London, this time playing bowling. Portman and Dom were having a tiff and Dom ripped Portman's Raymond Barneveld Outgraph up. It didn't matter as i proved my handiness with a ball and managed to best everyone!

The night wound down with Portman and Phill going and leaving me and Dom to have a heart to heart chat too which i thank him greatly.

Many things were learnt, many laughs were hard, many more times i hope this happens.

New Insect Discovered in HMV Bargain Bin

Scientists have named the new species "The New Romantis"

Cock Piss Partridge

This weekend wasn't like any other that had gone before it, as the main protagonist of this peace was on an adventure of self discovery and little did he know it but a small part of his youth slipped away.

It all started as I, drove to said Nick's house (the main protagonist) , to catch our ride into town, picking up the legendary Truman on route. As we arrived in an unknown land, we headed towards our rendezvous point with the Mighty Bizzle and his lovely Gee-Eff Kylie, At the time they were feasting on the carcass' of many kinds of animal and potatoes that had been butchered into many abnormal shapes. We blew this conformity factory after one swift tipple and headed towards the haunt of Kings, AKA The Royal London, last time we hooked up with Tez and his crew but this time he was not present, probably off f**king stuff up (in a good way) and his presence was missed!
After a few flagons of Ale and much rejoicing, we decided to bounce and head towards Blast Off / Corrosion, by This time Nick was in high spirits and having a good birthday.
I never thought i'd enjoy watching another man work his thing on a women but with Nick his dancing is almost hypnotic. In corrosion we had an excellent time, I especially enjoyed Moshing out to The Distillers and The Offspring which was das Brillig!

The Taxi dropped us off in home territory, and Me, Nick and Truman walked home, on the way we left many paintings on cars, mostly rude and Alan Partridge related, a voice from a window shouted as an alarm went of "Is that Orson writing rude things on cars?", the night ended with me driving home listening to the Sublime album that i had purchased which is amazing!

Peace

Caste:

Blair (me)
Nick (B'day boy)
Truman
Chris
Kylie
Phill
Amy
Dave J
Matt

Dictionary: Melancholic

Mel-an-col-ic:

A person who enjoys the smell of a fruity gust of wind, usually from the anus.